I have a bit of a control problem. Not bladder control, people. That would be incontinence! :) No, I have another sort of problem. Apparently I like to be IN control all of the time. I'm just learning how much this permeates my life, and truly it affects it on every level. It is generally what gives me that OUT of control feeling.
My dear husband and I were talking the other night about some of the aspects of our relationship. He mentioned something about his perception of my desire to want to control him. It hit me like a ton of bricks. In. That. Moment.
I am a control freak.
I find it rather frustrating, though of course by design, that we can live our entire lives behaving in certain ways, and yet be completely oblivious to how that affects others. Or our intention of having lived that way. I don't recall ever setting out to deliberately control everything, and everyone around me. That would just be silly. Not to mention futile. Therein lies the problem.
Contemplating such a 'Oprah, 'ah-ha' moment' last night before slipping into dreamland, it occurred to me that the only way that I can remedy this would be to turn my control dial INSIDE. That's it! That is what I need to do - learn SELF-CONTROL. Self discipline. Why haven't I seen this connection before??
My not being self disciplined, or in control of MYSELF - I have chosen the easy route (albeit loud, obnoxious, and temper tantrum route) and tried to control everything else. It doesn't work. Let me just get that out there right now. There is no way, ever, to ever, ever, ever control every little thing, circumstance, person, and idea to make it go precisely the way in which *I* want it to go. Perhaps this is no big idea to others....and I admit I've heard this ALL of my life. But - there is a world of difference between cognitively knowing something, and EXPERIENCING it. So, here I am. I am moving towards the prime of my life, and entering into a journey of the self that is opening up many more doors than I ever imagined.
Learning to control myself, my body, my mind, my spirit - isn't this what I sat out to do with this blog in the first place? And we spiral on. Full circle no, eternal spiral - I'll take it!
