My priority

I saw a quote yesterday that has stuck with me since. It read: "Never make somebody else your priority while allowing them to have you as an option." Interestingly enough, I find that's a great rule to live by. I have been co-dependent by nature, my entire life. Starting of course with my parents, then with my friends, then boyfriends, husband, child, co-workers, coach, etc... the list goes on forever. What happens when we cut those ties? What happens to ME outside of, and independent of all of THEM? The larger question begs: WHO AM I, ALONE?

If there is one thing that taking on a body transformation has shown me, it's that I am utterly alone in this lifestlye. It forces me to confront head on and overcome my past. Nobody will do that for me. Nobody, aside from me, can get up in the dark morning hours and lift cold iron methodically, meditatively for myself. It builds strength in bone and tissue and sinew, yes...but also and more prominently, it builds strength where I have been lacking it most - within myself; my character, my mind, my heart. I'm finding that this is a lonely road. But one worth every struggle and effort and grapple.

For now, I work to let go of the old as I nurture and build the new. Slowly, I am learning to stop being needy and dependent upon those that I love and instead open freely my heart, and stand for humanities individuality and freedom: that they may experience the greatest discovery within themselves, independent of me.

Out with the old. In with the new. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.

Alone

The rhythm of my breath

Pouring in and out

Like ocean tide in a cave

Hollow and vacant

Then abundant and bursting;

Sweet equilibrium

The sound of my feet

Slapping the pavement

Like bodies of amorous lovers colliding

Strike and then lift…

Pause

Strike and then lift…

Pause

Punctuated by staccato heartbeat

Earth cradles my every turn,

Wind through the trees compose my song

And the clouds shape my uneven cover

And there among the sycamore,

Blackened crumbling asphalt,

And every grass blade

I find God among many

And

I Am

Alone

Blah-Zay

Really starting to wonder what's going on with me today.  I'm super exhausted, feeling extremely lazy and over all emotionally drained.  This is in huge contrast to how on top of the world I've been feeling in the past few weeks.  I'm in a place of detached observation of these sensations though, and am really looking for the source of the fluctuation.  I think it has a LOT to do with the lack of sleep, the skipped workout, the camping trip we just took (hence the lack of sleep and skipped workout) and the alcohol I drank last night. 

I've decided alcohol no longer agrees with me.  It really pulls me into a downward spiral, for days on end.  I rather prefer water, and the life that it brings and the vitality to my life that it feeds.  Not one to dwell on the blahs of life, I'm going to keep this short. 

My next post will be so much grander. :)  Count on it.