It’s raining outside right now and the thunder feels appropriate. The man whom I call Teacher lies unconscious in a hospital bed. Found, unsuspectingly unconscious - god knows for how long. Unresponsive. Not breathing on his own. So many difficult events like this, seem as though they're happening around me, rapidly like exploding embers in a fire. I am unable to do anything but stand back and watch the bright, seathing sparks fly as they crackle and shrink. How long do I remain here before I myself am burned?
He is my Teacher, my Guide, and my Master. I have recently taken a small hiatus from my studies, for no known reason aside from the natural ebb and flow of my life. Today I regret my latest un-involvement.
I am trying to not worry, trying to stay positive that everything will turn out just fine. In the end, I’m sure it will. My heart just aches for the what-if’s. What if he doesn’t end up okay? Will I have missed? Will I have done enough, shown enough devotion? How many times did I have the opportunity to sit at the feet of a Master, and instead I involved myself in the meager aspects of my life? How will I ever make sense of that trade? Choosing mediocrity instead of the open door to All of Creation.
He beckons me home. He invites me. He welcomes me. It is I who lacked courage and strength, drive and devotion. The rain makes everything new.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Progress to bald
And the FINAL product. It's here - my bald day. 
The second, shorter mohawk. Hubby would not let up! :) He kept saying 'When am I EVER going to get to see this again?' He makes a good point.
The long mohawk my husband gave me. That's him taking the picture in the reflection of the mirror. He had such a hay day with this!! Good thing he loves me for me, and not my hair! LOL
Shaving for Cancer
Here is me at the beginning of the day with the hair, that will be donated to Locks of Love.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
It's a great day for going bald
Well, I just got the phone call. Mom is ready to take it all off. That means it's time for me to come to reality terms with this today. I'm ready to start this transformation, and how appropriate - two days before my wedding anniversary. I will be posting photo's here shortly of the transformation from long hair to completely bald. Suddenly, facing this as a reality, I am scared. Excited and scared, and I can't wait to post further.
Time to go bald. Time to reinvent myself. Time for drastic changes. I am facing this head on and I am proud to be seeking something more profound in my life.
Time to go bald. Time to reinvent myself. Time for drastic changes. I am facing this head on and I am proud to be seeking something more profound in my life.
Friday, July 28, 2006
Loss
So much to mention in such a small corner of cyber space. My uncle's father passed away this past week, entirely unexpectedly. I feel very close to my aunt, and have such a genuine sense of love and admiration for their family. It is difficult to know what to say at a time like this, when what I want to do is be with them to just hug them and cry with them. I have heard it said that there are people that come into our lives and it matters little when they leave, and then there are people who come into our lives and it matters every day after they leave. She spoke to me of what a wonderful man he was, and how it has left such a hole there, in their lives. The loss I'm sure is tremendous, and my heart truly aches for what they are going through.
It seems that we never get accustomed to loss. Change is a natural phenomenon that we live with day and night, and yet when it happens drastically it is so difficult to work with. During this same week I learned that an old friend of mine, whom I felt very close to for much of my formative years, had a sudden psychotic break and is now in the hospital. She harmed herself and her husband, and I will give no further details. These two events however, have truly stayed with me throughout this week. I ask the questions 'Why?' and 'How did this happen?' and yet they remain unanswered. Some questions are answers among themselves.
So very much to consider right now, and I just wanted to post something. I am warmed by the faith that my aunt continues to exhibit. She is truly such an example to me, and I wish that I had the fervor and faith that she has in God. I am lost.
It seems that we never get accustomed to loss. Change is a natural phenomenon that we live with day and night, and yet when it happens drastically it is so difficult to work with. During this same week I learned that an old friend of mine, whom I felt very close to for much of my formative years, had a sudden psychotic break and is now in the hospital. She harmed herself and her husband, and I will give no further details. These two events however, have truly stayed with me throughout this week. I ask the questions 'Why?' and 'How did this happen?' and yet they remain unanswered. Some questions are answers among themselves.
So very much to consider right now, and I just wanted to post something. I am warmed by the faith that my aunt continues to exhibit. She is truly such an example to me, and I wish that I had the fervor and faith that she has in God. I am lost.
Friday, July 21, 2006
Re-inventing myself
It's been one and a half weeks since Cheryl's first treatment. The nurse was right - it took the wind out of her sails round about day three. Achiness, pain, nauseau, insomnia, and general discomfort. Welcome to the next six months of life. It has been a tough week for her, and unfortunately we've been rather busy to get over much to see her. This weekend should turn out to be different. It's difficult to know what to do, and how much to help. The next chemo treatment is set for August 10th. I'm certain that I will have shaved my head with Cheryl by then. Still waiting for the time to be right to do that.
Have been considering what life would be like, faced with a disease like cancer. Faced with the immediate reality that you are going to die. I mean, of course, we all know inherently that we're going to die - it's part of life, but how often does one really consider this as being a reality that touches THEM in THEIR life? It's an interesting concept to think about. An important consideration to give yourself. I know I may seem cynical, or pessimistic, or morbid. I am simply recognizing the need in every human being to acknowledge their mortality.
In some ways I think I feel like a cancer, moving throughout my life. In the 29 years I've been here, I've done very little aside from over-consumption, and excess consumerism. Growing fat like an oversized tumor, threatening the life it sprung from. Taking up valuable space, day after day, doing little more than snarfing resources for my own self-preservation, in a variety of categories. Yup, it seems I've become the disease that I am inspired now to fight. How can I justify this type of existence? There are infinite possibilities in life to choose Creation, to choose life, vitality, work, surrender. So far, I've chosen destruction, laziness, argument and tantrums. It's never too late.
I'm finding a need within myself now to take my life back. In the next few months, I intend to reclaim my own life, begin living with a purpose, to utterly and entirely re-invent myself. This idea, this movement has not come up before for me. Sure, I've always wanted to be more fit, more vital, find more interests and discover a purpose in my life. This....this is different. It is a yearning that echo's from deep inside of me, a chamber I've not yet discovered where this Being sits - waiting, longing to be discovered. I have heard her call. I intend to find her, and set her free. This blog is a diary, a place where I can track my travels, and share about the journey. Shaving my head will be a fabulous starting point - a sort of 'death' of the old, and a birth into the new. I will lose myself to find myself. This journey begins today.
Have been considering what life would be like, faced with a disease like cancer. Faced with the immediate reality that you are going to die. I mean, of course, we all know inherently that we're going to die - it's part of life, but how often does one really consider this as being a reality that touches THEM in THEIR life? It's an interesting concept to think about. An important consideration to give yourself. I know I may seem cynical, or pessimistic, or morbid. I am simply recognizing the need in every human being to acknowledge their mortality.
In some ways I think I feel like a cancer, moving throughout my life. In the 29 years I've been here, I've done very little aside from over-consumption, and excess consumerism. Growing fat like an oversized tumor, threatening the life it sprung from. Taking up valuable space, day after day, doing little more than snarfing resources for my own self-preservation, in a variety of categories. Yup, it seems I've become the disease that I am inspired now to fight. How can I justify this type of existence? There are infinite possibilities in life to choose Creation, to choose life, vitality, work, surrender. So far, I've chosen destruction, laziness, argument and tantrums. It's never too late.
I'm finding a need within myself now to take my life back. In the next few months, I intend to reclaim my own life, begin living with a purpose, to utterly and entirely re-invent myself. This idea, this movement has not come up before for me. Sure, I've always wanted to be more fit, more vital, find more interests and discover a purpose in my life. This....this is different. It is a yearning that echo's from deep inside of me, a chamber I've not yet discovered where this Being sits - waiting, longing to be discovered. I have heard her call. I intend to find her, and set her free. This blog is a diary, a place where I can track my travels, and share about the journey. Shaving my head will be a fabulous starting point - a sort of 'death' of the old, and a birth into the new. I will lose myself to find myself. This journey begins today.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Growth
‘You know, you can always talk to me...’
Opening conversation that way, I generally
Yearned for her to understand
That above all, I will remain here for her.
She looks at me inquisitively,
As though sizing my character well.
Judging me to be nothing more inviting than
A character in her book.
Searching the pages again,
‘I know.’ blindly, she always replied.
As though hearing it one more time
Would make any degree of difference.
She sat near me cuddling close,
Smothering like wind-chilled starlings.
‘Mom?’ she inquired half-statement, half-question
Always commanding my attention,
‘I don’t want to grow up.’
It dropped.
Like over-ripe fruit,
Burdened further
Than the bough can bear.
Honesty stings the silence between statements.
Blistering. Accuracy.
I gathered it softly, cradled in my heart,
Careful not to reveal the pain it concealed.
She would not know, now or ever,
How small, how scared, how vulnerable
I remain.
I find comfort in the warmth of her
Need of me.
~07/18/06
Opening conversation that way, I generally
Yearned for her to understand
That above all, I will remain here for her.
She looks at me inquisitively,
As though sizing my character well.
Judging me to be nothing more inviting than
A character in her book.
Searching the pages again,
‘I know.’ blindly, she always replied.
As though hearing it one more time
Would make any degree of difference.
She sat near me cuddling close,
Smothering like wind-chilled starlings.
‘Mom?’ she inquired half-statement, half-question
Always commanding my attention,
‘I don’t want to grow up.’
It dropped.
Like over-ripe fruit,
Burdened further
Than the bough can bear.
Honesty stings the silence between statements.
Blistering. Accuracy.
I gathered it softly, cradled in my heart,
Careful not to reveal the pain it concealed.
She would not know, now or ever,
How small, how scared, how vulnerable
I remain.
I find comfort in the warmth of her
Need of me.
~07/18/06
The Editor
My page on the book of humanity
Will be sprawled with meaningless words
Haphazard expression dotting a landscape
Too barren to bring about feelings
Scribing thoughts daily in various forms
Of action or thought or voice or emotion
Springing out, always violently
Long before I am able to edit
The page I leave as my marker
Will mean little to anyone at all
Unable to focus or describe
My purpose, my desire, my life
I go on about my business
Each paragraph forming in the haze
Looking now for some way to
Make sense of the collage of feelings
Perhaps one day I’ll be able to
Bring everything full circle
My feelings, thoughts, emotions, actions
To create some grander design
Until then it continues to accumulate
Emotions awash in vomit
Sorting through filth to find one measure
Of meaning – Who Am I?
~Cami Krueger 07/17/06
Will be sprawled with meaningless words
Haphazard expression dotting a landscape
Too barren to bring about feelings
Scribing thoughts daily in various forms
Of action or thought or voice or emotion
Springing out, always violently
Long before I am able to edit
The page I leave as my marker
Will mean little to anyone at all
Unable to focus or describe
My purpose, my desire, my life
I go on about my business
Each paragraph forming in the haze
Looking now for some way to
Make sense of the collage of feelings
Perhaps one day I’ll be able to
Bring everything full circle
My feelings, thoughts, emotions, actions
To create some grander design
Until then it continues to accumulate
Emotions awash in vomit
Sorting through filth to find one measure
Of meaning – Who Am I?
~Cami Krueger 07/17/06
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Treatment #1
Time sure flies! I intended to post long before now, but there has just been so much going on.
Updates:
My mother in law, Cheryl, just started her chemotherapy treatments this Thursday. I got to spend the day with her and that was nice. There were three generations of women in that chemo room, Cheryl, her daughter, and her new baby, and me, with my daughter. Something about having all the girls together was heart warming. The side effects of this treatment should begin to hit her this Sunday. I'm encouraged that she has a strong sense of humor, and a great attitude about the entire thing. I wish that there were more of a support system here for her, but it's teaching me how important it is to be there for those we love.
We're going to wait another week before we shave our heads. I know that it's going to be difficult to go through with this, but I'm sort of looking forward to it in a strange way. I will be posting pictures of me with my long hair, and pictures when we shave it also. I'm excited to be donating my hair to Locks of Love, and feeling like I'm doing something with a purpose. So many times I feel I live such a purpose-less life, that it's nice to finally find some empathy, compassion and drive. This entire experience may just change me in ways that I have yet unforseen.
I'm off to have a play day with my daughter, and mom.
Updates:
My mother in law, Cheryl, just started her chemotherapy treatments this Thursday. I got to spend the day with her and that was nice. There were three generations of women in that chemo room, Cheryl, her daughter, and her new baby, and me, with my daughter. Something about having all the girls together was heart warming. The side effects of this treatment should begin to hit her this Sunday. I'm encouraged that she has a strong sense of humor, and a great attitude about the entire thing. I wish that there were more of a support system here for her, but it's teaching me how important it is to be there for those we love.
We're going to wait another week before we shave our heads. I know that it's going to be difficult to go through with this, but I'm sort of looking forward to it in a strange way. I will be posting pictures of me with my long hair, and pictures when we shave it also. I'm excited to be donating my hair to Locks of Love, and feeling like I'm doing something with a purpose. So many times I feel I live such a purpose-less life, that it's nice to finally find some empathy, compassion and drive. This entire experience may just change me in ways that I have yet unforseen.
I'm off to have a play day with my daughter, and mom.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
C is for Cancer, Chemo, and Courage
So, I've been thinking a lot on life lately. My mother-in-law has been diagnosed with cancer and is facing chemotherapy treatments in the coming months. I have chosen to shave my head with her as an act of support and empathy, in whatever small way giving up one's vanity can offer. It's silly how attached we become to the physical appearance of ourselves. My boss isn't sure that Human Resources will allow it - it could be against the dress code. I find that both interesting and depressing all at the same time. Why is it so important for us to fit a mold, carved out by society and bred throughout generations? I've pondered this all week. What is it about our hair, that defines us as women, as people?
I've been telling people at work my intentions in the next week to go through with this. So many of them have said what a 'brave' thing it is to do this. Brave? Cutting my hair off - which will grow back within a year or two - and I know it. This isn't brave. Brave is facing the days, and weeks, and months ahead of you in life, knowing you are dying from cancer, and taking the chance on treatment anyway. Brave is preparing your Last Will and Testament and pre-arranging your funeral service. Brave is finding a way to make amends, settle your scores, and giving your Spirit (whatever you believe that to be) adequate attention so as to get to know yourself before departing this Earth. Brave is truly finding, and observing your own mortality. Hair will grow back. The time that we have here, is so fleeting, and so meaningless in the large scheme of aeons - it doesn't grow back. What we do with our time here matters. I believe that by taking this miniscule step, I may just begin a deeper journey into my soul. By shedding something as meaningless, and as meaningful as hair, I'll be forced to ask the questions I am usually able to hide from.
I've been telling people at work my intentions in the next week to go through with this. So many of them have said what a 'brave' thing it is to do this. Brave? Cutting my hair off - which will grow back within a year or two - and I know it. This isn't brave. Brave is facing the days, and weeks, and months ahead of you in life, knowing you are dying from cancer, and taking the chance on treatment anyway. Brave is preparing your Last Will and Testament and pre-arranging your funeral service. Brave is finding a way to make amends, settle your scores, and giving your Spirit (whatever you believe that to be) adequate attention so as to get to know yourself before departing this Earth. Brave is truly finding, and observing your own mortality. Hair will grow back. The time that we have here, is so fleeting, and so meaningless in the large scheme of aeons - it doesn't grow back. What we do with our time here matters. I believe that by taking this miniscule step, I may just begin a deeper journey into my soul. By shedding something as meaningless, and as meaningful as hair, I'll be forced to ask the questions I am usually able to hide from.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Canned Patriotism
Happy Fourth of July!
May we remember those who have given their lives for the daily freedoms which we take for granted. May we remember those who have sacrificed the lives and the dreams and the ideals that we claim to hold dear - for all of those who stood up against the storm - for the brave people who cared, even when those they protected sat idoly by and watched television - for all the families who have suffered the loss of a loved one - for one death too young, and another unnecessary. I personally salute each and every one of you. America may be bold, It may be brave, and arrogant and corrupt. Whatever it is, I'm proud today. Proud to be among the living. Proud to be among the growing, and earning, and paying, and sacrificing few. It's meaningful to be alive today - especially standing in the light of the fireworks. Lit for the memory of the dead, and of the freedoms which we share. May we never forget what that means, and may we personalize this experience daily. God bless America, and the rest of the planet equally.
May we remember those who have given their lives for the daily freedoms which we take for granted. May we remember those who have sacrificed the lives and the dreams and the ideals that we claim to hold dear - for all of those who stood up against the storm - for the brave people who cared, even when those they protected sat idoly by and watched television - for all the families who have suffered the loss of a loved one - for one death too young, and another unnecessary. I personally salute each and every one of you. America may be bold, It may be brave, and arrogant and corrupt. Whatever it is, I'm proud today. Proud to be among the living. Proud to be among the growing, and earning, and paying, and sacrificing few. It's meaningful to be alive today - especially standing in the light of the fireworks. Lit for the memory of the dead, and of the freedoms which we share. May we never forget what that means, and may we personalize this experience daily. God bless America, and the rest of the planet equally.
First toe in the pool of introspection
Welcome to my Blog! My first post seems intimidating. Something quite vulnerable about putting my personal thoughts into cyberspace for all the world to see. Something exciting about it as well. I began this blog to see me through my personal journey in the coming years. I am approaching the big 3-0 birthday and have a lot of changes I would like to make between now and then. I figure writing about it will help provide the time involved to sort out my thoughts and feelings, and hopefully I’ll find myself somewhere closer to where I want to be by then. Fellow traveler's are always welcome!
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