Re-inventing myself

It's been one and a half weeks since Cheryl's first treatment. The nurse was right - it took the wind out of her sails round about day three. Achiness, pain, nauseau, insomnia, and general discomfort. Welcome to the next six months of life. It has been a tough week for her, and unfortunately we've been rather busy to get over much to see her. This weekend should turn out to be different. It's difficult to know what to do, and how much to help. The next chemo treatment is set for August 10th. I'm certain that I will have shaved my head with Cheryl by then. Still waiting for the time to be right to do that.

Have been considering what life would be like, faced with a disease like cancer. Faced with the immediate reality that you are going to die. I mean, of course, we all know inherently that we're going to die - it's part of life, but how often does one really consider this as being a reality that touches THEM in THEIR life? It's an interesting concept to think about. An important consideration to give yourself. I know I may seem cynical, or pessimistic, or morbid. I am simply recognizing the need in every human being to acknowledge their mortality.

In some ways I think I feel like a cancer, moving throughout my life. In the 29 years I've been here, I've done very little aside from over-consumption, and excess consumerism. Growing fat like an oversized tumor, threatening the life it sprung from. Taking up valuable space, day after day, doing little more than snarfing resources for my own self-preservation, in a variety of categories. Yup, it seems I've become the disease that I am inspired now to fight. How can I justify this type of existence? There are infinite possibilities in life to choose Creation, to choose life, vitality, work, surrender. So far, I've chosen destruction, laziness, argument and tantrums. It's never too late.

I'm finding a need within myself now to take my life back. In the next few months, I intend to reclaim my own life, begin living with a purpose, to utterly and entirely re-invent myself. This idea, this movement has not come up before for me. Sure, I've always wanted to be more fit, more vital, find more interests and discover a purpose in my life. This....this is different. It is a yearning that echo's from deep inside of me, a chamber I've not yet discovered where this Being sits - waiting, longing to be discovered. I have heard her call. I intend to find her, and set her free. This blog is a diary, a place where I can track my travels, and share about the journey. Shaving my head will be a fabulous starting point - a sort of 'death' of the old, and a birth into the new. I will lose myself to find myself. This journey begins today.