Transparency

It's time to get real. This online journey I am embarking on must become something a lot more personal, and make me a lot more accountable. I am turning this blog into a fitness / personal awareness site. I intend to log my fitness goals, activity and nutrition intake in order to reach those goals. I will post pictures of my progress along the way. So much is going on internally with me, that I have chosen not to blog lately. However, journaling is a fantastic outlet, and the things that I am learning about myself along the way are incredible. The 'ah-ha' moments have been truly inspiring, and I am changing every day.

I have a goal that by my 30th birthday (53 days away), that I will have lost 14 more pounds. I have lost 6 pounds, as of last Monday 11/06/06 - but in the past week I am not so sure that I've done everything I could to lose more.

I purchased a gym membership for myself, and my husband outright. We will now, have the opportunity to go to the gym, with a lifetime membership fee of $10 per month. No more excuses. I am ready to altar the course of my life by truly giving my body what it needs in the sense of nutrition, exercise, and as well - listening to my emotions, thoughts, ideas, and really moving toward my own goals and dreams in life. For far too long I have stuffed my feelings away. I have chosen to hide my emotions because the intensity of these emotions is frequently too much for those around me to bare. I have chosen to look at those, and to learn how to harness these energies within myself for a greater good.

To choose food over feelings, has been a lifelong battle. It is why I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I intend to live my 30's (and on) with more self awareness than ever before - listening to my body's intrinsic wisdom and exercising judgement and discernment in what I subject myself to, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. The journey began months ago. I am now looking back along the path I have walked, and am beginning to put the pieces together.

Writing is my outlet. I will store that here, among this blog, for anyone, and all to see. Living life transparent can be only liberating.

Control

I have a bit of a control problem. Not bladder control, people. That would be incontinence! :) No, I have another sort of problem. Apparently I like to be IN control all of the time. I'm just learning how much this permeates my life, and truly it affects it on every level. It is generally what gives me that OUT of control feeling.

My dear husband and I were talking the other night about some of the aspects of our relationship. He mentioned something about his perception of my desire to want to control him. It hit me like a ton of bricks. In. That. Moment.

I am a control freak.

I find it rather frustrating, though of course by design, that we can live our entire lives behaving in certain ways, and yet be completely oblivious to how that affects others. Or our intention of having lived that way. I don't recall ever setting out to deliberately control everything, and everyone around me. That would just be silly. Not to mention futile. Therein lies the problem.

Contemplating such a 'Oprah, 'ah-ha' moment' last night before slipping into dreamland, it occurred to me that the only way that I can remedy this would be to turn my control dial INSIDE. That's it! That is what I need to do - learn SELF-CONTROL. Self discipline. Why haven't I seen this connection before??

My not being self disciplined, or in control of MYSELF - I have chosen the easy route (albeit loud, obnoxious, and temper tantrum route) and tried to control everything else. It doesn't work. Let me just get that out there right now. There is no way, ever, to ever, ever, ever control every little thing, circumstance, person, and idea to make it go precisely the way in which *I* want it to go. Perhaps this is no big idea to others....and I admit I've heard this ALL of my life. But - there is a world of difference between cognitively knowing something, and EXPERIENCING it. So, here I am. I am moving towards the prime of my life, and entering into a journey of the self that is opening up many more doors than I ever imagined.

Learning to control myself, my body, my mind, my spirit - isn't this what I sat out to do with this blog in the first place? And we spiral on. Full circle no, eternal spiral - I'll take it!

Toothfairies and Teachers

My life has been a whirlwind of activity lately. There are too many aspects to everything to post about it all, but I'm surprised at the ability for Creation to give me exactly what I ask for. A few months ago, I set out to become a different person. I wanted to work harder, appreciate more, give more of myself than I had previously been accustomed to. It has worked. I am constantly amazed at the efficiency of the universe. :)

I did want to post something that occurred in the past week. My daughter, Shekinah, has figured out the toothfairy tale. She is definitely the age that the questions start, but this little sneaky girl pretended to be asleep while the toothfairy took her tooth and replaced it with money. She went the entire day without mentioning it to anyone, even though her little heart was broken. Once I picked her up from grandma's that night after work, she said
'Mom, I have to talk to you.' - and then the whole innocence in her world spilled out.

She saw dad, switching out her tooth for money that morning, at precisely 6:18 AM. She remembered the moment, the details, the way that her fantasy crumbled. Huge crocodile tears streaming down her face, she said 'That's so mean! You shouldn't lie to your kids'. I did the only thing I could think to do, and that was to just hold her. I put my arms around her, and just held her to my chest. I told her I remembered what it was like when I found out about the toothfairy when I was about her age, and how much it hurt. We just sat there, a couple of crying babies on the couch, clinging to each other.

And then, as suddenly as the tears began, her laughter overpowered it. She is one of the most resilient, creative people I've had the pleasure to know in my life. She looked up to me, tear stained cheeks and all, and said 'Well.... at least one thing is for sure!' 'What's that?' I asked....
'It's EASY to catch the toothfairy!' She beamed, smiling with a new found confidence that comes in waves as we move from child to adult. She's riding that wave now, and said further that she didn't want to tell her other friends the secret about the toothfairy, she wanted to give them time to figure it out.

We spoke about the true magic that is the toothfairy - how it goes so much further than what you 'believe' about it, and that when she grows up she gets to BECOME the toothfairy for her children. That was met with a huge laugh, and an evil snicker - one that told me she was excited about that opportunity. Something to look forward to.

There is a law in nature called the Law of Correspondence. The entire premise of it, is that as things are on one level, they are the same on other levels. That in each level of existence are patterns, part and parcel of one another, that simply shift in levels of function. As above, so below - it is relational, and creates a common thread throughout all of existence.

I sat on the couch in the pyramid later that week - as my master teacher spoke during class. It wasn't so much his words at all, it was more about his Being. I thought of the analogy of the toothfairy, and how our understanding as children is magical and wonderous - and as we grow and gain wisdom and understanding, the idea of that magical, wonderous fairy fades away and we gain a true knowledge that the toothfairy is more real than we ever could have imagined. As above, so below. It hit me at that point, that as the master moves on, so must the students cycle into the realm of master teacher. It is a natural cycle, just as the moon follows the sun. It impacted me so deeply - in ways I haven't even realized yet. I believe that I cried on that couch with my daughter, not only for her pain, but for my own. The pain of realizing that everything changes, everything moves, nothing stays the same. The pain of realizing that my master teacher, whom I subconsiously cling to so strongly will not always be around, and has begun his distancing from us, his students. The pain of realizing that I have to put the two wobbley legs beneath me, and learn to stand on them on my own, I cannot have him carry me much longer. I cried for her pain, and I cried for my own.

Here's to hoping I find that laughter, the freedom, the beauty that my daughter displayed that day.
C

What was I thinking?

Okay - so I realize it's been forever since I posted. My life has gone from the frying pan into the fire. I am utterly, totally, and completely exhausted. My energy stores are wiped out. My entired motivating factors to get up in the morning and go to work, and then run home change my clothes and go to work again, and then come home and crash - have been MAXED. I'm out. I'm tired, and I cannot continue to do this. I'm requesting my hours be cut back at my part time job. I worked almost 40 hours there last week, on top of my 40 hours at my regular job. It's not worth it. My family misses me, and vice versa. My house hasn't been cleaned, and the dishes are piling up. It's time to get this into a balancing act, and fast.

Tonight I work, and will leave a message with the manager - Must only work three nights per week. That's it. No more of this all weekend, every night for weeks crap.

Anyway - aside from that things are well. We're working our way slowly to being on top of things financially. Our daughter is off track for a few weeks, and is helping out at home a lot. I am so proud of her.

More on everything later. Gotta go - plenty of work to do!

Part Time Work

Sitting in the financial pit we dug ourselves into, we halted our shoveling for a moment and looked at each other. First rule of getting out of the hole - stop digging.

And so it is, that I have chosen to get a part time job. This is in addition to my full time job, my religious and volunteer responsibilities, taking care of my home, and spending time with my family. Not in that order of course.

I'll be delivering pizza's for Pizza Hut. Seems like a teenager job - but I stand to make as much or more per hour that I make at my full time job. Not bad for part time! I start tomorrow night, and I'm excited about what the possibilities will be of paying off some debt and creating a savings account.

Wish me luck! I'm going to need it.

Parents....hummpphhhffff!!

There comes a time, I believe, in every parent's life when you have to hurt your child. Of course, not physically, nor on purpose. But for the sake of their health, and well-being. This comes about by the parent knowing things the child does not yet know, and cannot possible be aware of due to their innocence. It then becomes difficult, if not impossible to explain the 'why' to your child - resulting in the famous line: 'Because I'm the mom, that's why'.

We are restricting our daughter's access to one of her friends house because of what we feel are questionable practices in her home. We enjoy this friend, and she is welcome in our home at any time. Our daughter just cannot be over at her house, unless and until we are confident that she will be safe, cared for, and watched over. I'm facing the reality of this decision, and the fact that I'm going to have to talk to this friends mother about it this evening. It should prove an interesting conversation - as generally I like to avoid confrontation. But I suppose this is one of those growing opportunities I have as a parent - the kind where I learn that I have more strength inside of me than I previously thought I did. Or at least I hope that's what it teaches me.

Our little girl is beside herself, and extremely upset. This will be an interesting weekend, and hopefully she'll learn as she grows up and has children of her own - there will be a time when she faces her child and tells her 'Because I'm the mom, that's why!' and anything more than that, cannot be explained.

My testament

Too much going on to blog daily - I suppose that would put too little meaning to this entire journey anyway. My teacher is well, he is home, and he was in class tonight. He is in high spirits, and I had the chance to hug him today and tell him how grateful I was that he is here. I intend to post a few paragraphs of a book we are reading at Summum that somewhat describes what it is like for me in my spirituality, in my relationship to him.

On the home front - we just had new floors installed in our home. They are beautiful laminate wood floors, and laminate tile in the kitchen. Our home looks like an entirely new house and it feels wonderful!! We are very pleased and have been working very hard on putting everything back together in the house. It is, as always, a work in progress, but we're getting there slowly but surely. I'm thrilled with the outcome.

Recently, because of the events happening in and around Summum I have been extremely introspective. During class on Thursday night this week we read a chapter from the book entitled "The Mustard Seed: The Gnostic Teachings of Jesus the Mystic" by Osho. Time and again events that have happened to me personally at Summum are discussed openly during class that week - in reading from a book. These things happen with nobody's prior knowledge to my personal events. This particular chapter discussed exactly the personal journey I have found myself in lately. I will quote below: (I apologize now for the length of this post - but it is well worth the read!)

"It is very difficult to tell people that someone has become realized. Why? - because whenever someone becomes realized it becomes a deep wound in you, it becomes a deep hurt: you could have become the same, but you have missed. A comparison enters, your ego feels hurt: "Jesus is the son of God? Why am I not? The case should have been otherwise. How has Jesus become the son of God?' And it is easier to deny this than to change yourself and become the son of God. It is easier because 'no' is always the easiest thing in the world: nothing is to be done, you say no and it's finished! If you say yes, everything starts, nothing is finished. No is always the end, yes is always the beginning.

"If you say, 'Yes, Jesus is the son of God,' then you have to transform yourself. Then you cannot remain with this yes, you have to move, you have to do something. If you say no, the problem is solved. Then whatsoever you are, wherever you are - in the valley, in darkness, in death - you are at ease. Jesus creates an unease in you: Buddha moves amidst you and he creates an unease, and we take revenge - because if one man can reach such a height, how is it that you have missed? It is better to say that there is no height, nobody has ever reached it. Then you are at ease in your darkness, then you can be comfortable.

"Jesuses and Buddhas, they are very great tensions, because they uproot you from the valley, they shake you from your sleep and they say, 'Move on - this is no place to stay!'

"Jesus says to his disciples, 'Go, and cry from the housetops!' Why from the housetops? - because people are almost deaf, they don't hear, they don't want to hear. Even when they listen they are not hearing, they are somewhere else. Even when they nod they are simply bored. They may tolerate it but they never enjoy the truth, because truth will always make you uncomfortable, bound to do so - because you live in the valley of lies. Your whole life is such a lie: you have been lying to others, to yourself, and you have made everything around lies. Now somebody comes and speaks the truth. Making you alert, making you aware of the truth, destroys your palaces, dream palaces you have made out of playing cards.

"Jesus says: Go, and whatsoever you have heard me telling you...preach from your housetops; for no one lights a lamp and puts it under a bushel. Don't be shy, and don't be afraid! The light is there, now don't hide it: ... nor does he put it in a hidden place, but he sets in on the lampstand so that all who come in and go out may see its light.'

"This has always been a problem: Buddha, Mahavira, Lao Tzu, Jesus, Mohammed, Zarathustra, they always have to insist continuously that the disciples go and tell others. The opportunity will not be forever - Jesus will not be there in his physical body forever, and if you cannot recognize him when he is in his physical body, how will you be able to recognize him when he is not? If his physical presence cannot become a revelation to you, how can it become a revelation to you when he has disappeared into the universal?'

Only rarely does someone become enlightened, only rarely does someone's darkness disappear. It is such a rare phenomenon and it is not going to last forever - hence Jesus is always in a hurry. He knows well. And Jesus had the most limited time on earth; he died when he was thirty-three. He was in a great hurry. He knew this crucifixion was going to happen, so he said, 'Go and make as many people aware and alert as possible. The door is open, now they can enter into the divine."


This is my personal testament. There is a living master among us here, and he is enlightened. He brings me (us) to all of Creation simply by his presence. It is most difficult to share this with those I love, and with those people that I do not know. He is here, available, offering everything if we will but listen. I am utterly, always entirely humbled.

Meditation

Things are looking up. My friend has made a near full recovery. He is doing much better, and is scheduled to come home in a few days. Talk about a wake up call for me. Faced with the possibility of him no longer being here, I was forced to take a look at myself in ways I haven't before. Spirituality is an amazingly personal experience, and too often lends itself towards leaning on others. I must begin to stand on my own two feet, my own convictions, and cultivate my own relationship with Creation. I decided awhile ago that the next few months would be a period of personal change and discovery. I hadn't really considered the total impact of that choice - but it's interesting how destiny provides for what we need.

I have decided to make a comittment to myself to begin meditating daily. The meditation I have been initiated into at Summum calls for one to put aside the time at least twice per day, for at least 30 minutes each time. There are days that I do that, most often I do not. I have up until now haphazardly meditated, whenever I 'found' the time, instead of dedicating the time to it. Meditation is by far, one of the most significant, important discipline that we can do with our time. It is what opens us to our essence. I have been away far too long, and I intend to seek out and open that door. Can there be a more worthy cause?

Happy Anniversary

I cannot let this day pass without acknowledging my beautiful husband. Today is our eight year wedding anniversary. In spite of the events taking place right now, it's important to me to step back and recognize our marriage, our bond. He is, and always has been my best friend, my confidant. I must admit, and I'm sure many people feel this way, but I feel that we have a truly amazing relationship. He brings out the best, and the worst in me. He knows me better than I know myself. Every cliché you can quote about love, would probably fit with him. But you know what is different? What's unique about him and me? We're just simple. Just us. I am always just me when I'm with him. I never feel that I need a mask, or an act, or a conversation piece. Relaxation. Joy. And that simplicity, that full-on, unbounded freedom of simplicity has been a source of comfort and strength to us for years.

Here's to many more adventurous years to us.
I love you with all that I am.
C

His Feet

http://www.summum.us/meditation/devotion.shtml

I stood in his hospital room last night, my hands upon his feet. The machines and tubes violating his body while working to save it. My devotion to him is all consuming. To describe the student-master relationship is impossible. There simply are not words. I am with him today, as he is with me.

Here comes the rain...

It’s raining outside right now and the thunder feels appropriate. The man whom I call Teacher lies unconscious in a hospital bed. Found, unsuspectingly unconscious - god knows for how long. Unresponsive. Not breathing on his own. So many difficult events like this, seem as though they're happening around me, rapidly like exploding embers in a fire. I am unable to do anything but stand back and watch the bright, seathing sparks fly as they crackle and shrink. How long do I remain here before I myself am burned?

He is my Teacher, my Guide, and my Master. I have recently taken a small hiatus from my studies, for no known reason aside from the natural ebb and flow of my life. Today I regret my latest un-involvement.

I am trying to not worry, trying to stay positive that everything will turn out just fine. In the end, I’m sure it will. My heart just aches for the what-if’s. What if he doesn’t end up okay? Will I have missed? Will I have done enough, shown enough devotion? How many times did I have the opportunity to sit at the feet of a Master, and instead I involved myself in the meager aspects of my life? How will I ever make sense of that trade? Choosing mediocrity instead of the open door to All of Creation.

He beckons me home. He invites me. He welcomes me. It is I who lacked courage and strength, drive and devotion. The rain makes everything new.

Progress to bald

And the FINAL product. It's here - my bald day.

The second, shorter mohawk. Hubby would not let up! :) He kept saying 'When am I EVER going to get to see this again?' He makes a good point.

The long mohawk my husband gave me. That's him taking the picture in the reflection of the mirror. He had such a hay day with this!! Good thing he loves me for me, and not my hair! LOL

The first razor cut - BUZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz

This is a great picture of me cutting the ponytails one by one, and my utter HAM of a daughter! :)

Shaving for Cancer

Here is me at the beginning of the day with the hair, that will be donated to Locks of Love.

It's a great day for going bald

Well, I just got the phone call. Mom is ready to take it all off. That means it's time for me to come to reality terms with this today. I'm ready to start this transformation, and how appropriate - two days before my wedding anniversary. I will be posting photo's here shortly of the transformation from long hair to completely bald. Suddenly, facing this as a reality, I am scared. Excited and scared, and I can't wait to post further.

Time to go bald. Time to reinvent myself. Time for drastic changes. I am facing this head on and I am proud to be seeking something more profound in my life.

Loss

So much to mention in such a small corner of cyber space. My uncle's father passed away this past week, entirely unexpectedly. I feel very close to my aunt, and have such a genuine sense of love and admiration for their family. It is difficult to know what to say at a time like this, when what I want to do is be with them to just hug them and cry with them. I have heard it said that there are people that come into our lives and it matters little when they leave, and then there are people who come into our lives and it matters every day after they leave. She spoke to me of what a wonderful man he was, and how it has left such a hole there, in their lives. The loss I'm sure is tremendous, and my heart truly aches for what they are going through.

It seems that we never get accustomed to loss. Change is a natural phenomenon that we live with day and night, and yet when it happens drastically it is so difficult to work with. During this same week I learned that an old friend of mine, whom I felt very close to for much of my formative years, had a sudden psychotic break and is now in the hospital. She harmed herself and her husband, and I will give no further details. These two events however, have truly stayed with me throughout this week. I ask the questions 'Why?' and 'How did this happen?' and yet they remain unanswered. Some questions are answers among themselves.

So very much to consider right now, and I just wanted to post something. I am warmed by the faith that my aunt continues to exhibit. She is truly such an example to me, and I wish that I had the fervor and faith that she has in God. I am lost.

Re-inventing myself

It's been one and a half weeks since Cheryl's first treatment. The nurse was right - it took the wind out of her sails round about day three. Achiness, pain, nauseau, insomnia, and general discomfort. Welcome to the next six months of life. It has been a tough week for her, and unfortunately we've been rather busy to get over much to see her. This weekend should turn out to be different. It's difficult to know what to do, and how much to help. The next chemo treatment is set for August 10th. I'm certain that I will have shaved my head with Cheryl by then. Still waiting for the time to be right to do that.

Have been considering what life would be like, faced with a disease like cancer. Faced with the immediate reality that you are going to die. I mean, of course, we all know inherently that we're going to die - it's part of life, but how often does one really consider this as being a reality that touches THEM in THEIR life? It's an interesting concept to think about. An important consideration to give yourself. I know I may seem cynical, or pessimistic, or morbid. I am simply recognizing the need in every human being to acknowledge their mortality.

In some ways I think I feel like a cancer, moving throughout my life. In the 29 years I've been here, I've done very little aside from over-consumption, and excess consumerism. Growing fat like an oversized tumor, threatening the life it sprung from. Taking up valuable space, day after day, doing little more than snarfing resources for my own self-preservation, in a variety of categories. Yup, it seems I've become the disease that I am inspired now to fight. How can I justify this type of existence? There are infinite possibilities in life to choose Creation, to choose life, vitality, work, surrender. So far, I've chosen destruction, laziness, argument and tantrums. It's never too late.

I'm finding a need within myself now to take my life back. In the next few months, I intend to reclaim my own life, begin living with a purpose, to utterly and entirely re-invent myself. This idea, this movement has not come up before for me. Sure, I've always wanted to be more fit, more vital, find more interests and discover a purpose in my life. This....this is different. It is a yearning that echo's from deep inside of me, a chamber I've not yet discovered where this Being sits - waiting, longing to be discovered. I have heard her call. I intend to find her, and set her free. This blog is a diary, a place where I can track my travels, and share about the journey. Shaving my head will be a fabulous starting point - a sort of 'death' of the old, and a birth into the new. I will lose myself to find myself. This journey begins today.

Growth

‘You know, you can always talk to me...’
Opening conversation that way, I generally
Yearned for her to understand
That above all, I will remain here for her.

She looks at me inquisitively,
As though sizing my character well.
Judging me to be nothing more inviting than
A character in her book.

Searching the pages again,
‘I know.’ blindly, she always replied.
As though hearing it one more time
Would make any degree of difference.

She sat near me cuddling close,
Smothering like wind-chilled starlings.
‘Mom?’ she inquired half-statement, half-question
Always commanding my attention,

‘I don’t want to grow up.’

It dropped.
Like over-ripe fruit,
Burdened further
Than the bough can bear.
Honesty stings the silence between statements.
Blistering. Accuracy.

I gathered it softly, cradled in my heart,
Careful not to reveal the pain it concealed.
She would not know, now or ever,
How small, how scared, how vulnerable
I remain.

I find comfort in the warmth of her
Need of me.

~07/18/06

The Editor

My page on the book of humanity
Will be sprawled with meaningless words
Haphazard expression dotting a landscape
Too barren to bring about feelings

Scribing thoughts daily in various forms
Of action or thought or voice or emotion
Springing out, always violently
Long before I am able to edit

The page I leave as my marker
Will mean little to anyone at all
Unable to focus or describe
My purpose, my desire, my life

I go on about my business
Each paragraph forming in the haze
Looking now for some way to
Make sense of the collage of feelings

Perhaps one day I’ll be able to
Bring everything full circle
My feelings, thoughts, emotions, actions
To create some grander design

Until then it continues to accumulate
Emotions awash in vomit
Sorting through filth to find one measure
Of meaning – Who Am I?

~Cami Krueger 07/17/06

Treatment #1

Time sure flies! I intended to post long before now, but there has just been so much going on.
Updates:
My mother in law, Cheryl, just started her chemotherapy treatments this Thursday. I got to spend the day with her and that was nice. There were three generations of women in that chemo room, Cheryl, her daughter, and her new baby, and me, with my daughter. Something about having all the girls together was heart warming. The side effects of this treatment should begin to hit her this Sunday. I'm encouraged that she has a strong sense of humor, and a great attitude about the entire thing. I wish that there were more of a support system here for her, but it's teaching me how important it is to be there for those we love.

We're going to wait another week before we shave our heads. I know that it's going to be difficult to go through with this, but I'm sort of looking forward to it in a strange way. I will be posting pictures of me with my long hair, and pictures when we shave it also. I'm excited to be donating my hair to Locks of Love, and feeling like I'm doing something with a purpose. So many times I feel I live such a purpose-less life, that it's nice to finally find some empathy, compassion and drive. This entire experience may just change me in ways that I have yet unforseen.

I'm off to have a play day with my daughter, and mom.

C is for Cancer, Chemo, and Courage

So, I've been thinking a lot on life lately. My mother-in-law has been diagnosed with cancer and is facing chemotherapy treatments in the coming months. I have chosen to shave my head with her as an act of support and empathy, in whatever small way giving up one's vanity can offer. It's silly how attached we become to the physical appearance of ourselves. My boss isn't sure that Human Resources will allow it - it could be against the dress code. I find that both interesting and depressing all at the same time. Why is it so important for us to fit a mold, carved out by society and bred throughout generations? I've pondered this all week. What is it about our hair, that defines us as women, as people?

I've been telling people at work my intentions in the next week to go through with this. So many of them have said what a 'brave' thing it is to do this. Brave? Cutting my hair off - which will grow back within a year or two - and I know it. This isn't brave. Brave is facing the days, and weeks, and months ahead of you in life, knowing you are dying from cancer, and taking the chance on treatment anyway. Brave is preparing your Last Will and Testament and pre-arranging your funeral service. Brave is finding a way to make amends, settle your scores, and giving your Spirit (whatever you believe that to be) adequate attention so as to get to know yourself before departing this Earth. Brave is truly finding, and observing your own mortality. Hair will grow back. The time that we have here, is so fleeting, and so meaningless in the large scheme of aeons - it doesn't grow back. What we do with our time here matters. I believe that by taking this miniscule step, I may just begin a deeper journey into my soul. By shedding something as meaningless, and as meaningful as hair, I'll be forced to ask the questions I am usually able to hide from.

Canned Patriotism

Happy Fourth of July!

May we remember those who have given their lives for the daily freedoms which we take for granted. May we remember those who have sacrificed the lives and the dreams and the ideals that we claim to hold dear - for all of those who stood up against the storm - for the brave people who cared, even when those they protected sat idoly by and watched television - for all the families who have suffered the loss of a loved one - for one death too young, and another unnecessary. I personally salute each and every one of you. America may be bold, It may be brave, and arrogant and corrupt. Whatever it is, I'm proud today. Proud to be among the living. Proud to be among the growing, and earning, and paying, and sacrificing few. It's meaningful to be alive today - especially standing in the light of the fireworks. Lit for the memory of the dead, and of the freedoms which we share. May we never forget what that means, and may we personalize this experience daily. God bless America, and the rest of the planet equally.

First toe in the pool of introspection

Welcome to my Blog! My first post seems intimidating. Something quite vulnerable about putting my personal thoughts into cyberspace for all the world to see. Something exciting about it as well. I began this blog to see me through my personal journey in the coming years. I am approaching the big 3-0 birthday and have a lot of changes I would like to make between now and then. I figure writing about it will help provide the time involved to sort out my thoughts and feelings, and hopefully I’ll find myself somewhere closer to where I want to be by then. Fellow traveler's are always welcome!