Ocean Blessings

She calls to me there


Expansive and endless

Her melody rolling rhythmically along the shore

Reaching forth her saline hand

She pulls me forth; beckoning, compelling me

I run for her.

Inhaling her salty air,

There among her majesty

I weep equally saline tears,

Awe-stricken at

Her roaring command that knows no pause

She moves continuously

Ever caressing, morphing, transforming

And you

Who run along my side

You,

Who navigate my turbulent waves

You,

Who explore my bottomless depths

And discover my still, hidden treasures…

You sanctify

My very existence

My priority

I saw a quote yesterday that has stuck with me since. It read: "Never make somebody else your priority while allowing them to have you as an option." Interestingly enough, I find that's a great rule to live by. I have been co-dependent by nature, my entire life. Starting of course with my parents, then with my friends, then boyfriends, husband, child, co-workers, coach, etc... the list goes on forever. What happens when we cut those ties? What happens to ME outside of, and independent of all of THEM? The larger question begs: WHO AM I, ALONE?

If there is one thing that taking on a body transformation has shown me, it's that I am utterly alone in this lifestlye. It forces me to confront head on and overcome my past. Nobody will do that for me. Nobody, aside from me, can get up in the dark morning hours and lift cold iron methodically, meditatively for myself. It builds strength in bone and tissue and sinew, yes...but also and more prominently, it builds strength where I have been lacking it most - within myself; my character, my mind, my heart. I'm finding that this is a lonely road. But one worth every struggle and effort and grapple.

For now, I work to let go of the old as I nurture and build the new. Slowly, I am learning to stop being needy and dependent upon those that I love and instead open freely my heart, and stand for humanities individuality and freedom: that they may experience the greatest discovery within themselves, independent of me.

Out with the old. In with the new. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.

Alone

The rhythm of my breath

Pouring in and out

Like ocean tide in a cave

Hollow and vacant

Then abundant and bursting;

Sweet equilibrium

The sound of my feet

Slapping the pavement

Like bodies of amorous lovers colliding

Strike and then lift…

Pause

Strike and then lift…

Pause

Punctuated by staccato heartbeat

Earth cradles my every turn,

Wind through the trees compose my song

And the clouds shape my uneven cover

And there among the sycamore,

Blackened crumbling asphalt,

And every grass blade

I find God among many

And

I Am

Alone

Blah-Zay

Really starting to wonder what's going on with me today.  I'm super exhausted, feeling extremely lazy and over all emotionally drained.  This is in huge contrast to how on top of the world I've been feeling in the past few weeks.  I'm in a place of detached observation of these sensations though, and am really looking for the source of the fluctuation.  I think it has a LOT to do with the lack of sleep, the skipped workout, the camping trip we just took (hence the lack of sleep and skipped workout) and the alcohol I drank last night. 

I've decided alcohol no longer agrees with me.  It really pulls me into a downward spiral, for days on end.  I rather prefer water, and the life that it brings and the vitality to my life that it feeds.  Not one to dwell on the blahs of life, I'm going to keep this short. 

My next post will be so much grander. :)  Count on it.

What Is Your Magic Number?

Say WHAT?  Oh, I KNOW my bathroom scale didn't just smart off to me!!  Of course, at first site it appears that is exactly what it's doing: smarting off, telling me that I've gained two pounds this week.... and taking my awesome mojo along with it!!  Which incidentally, brings me to the topic of this post: scale weight vs. any other reputable, reliable, otherwise decent mode of measuring fitness goals.

After I stepped on the scale this morning and found the not-so-magic number to have risen by two pounds this week, I put it out of my head.  No big thing I said to myself, surely this is a matter of hormones, female cycle, not enough sleep... something! And then I merrily went about my day.

Interesting how those little numbers creep up on you when you aren't even looking.  We went shopping, because none of my pants or shorts fit me anymore.  It was time to try on the ever ellusive, never-been-visited-since-7th-grade-size-8.... And Folks!! We have a WINNER!  I am a freakin' size 8!!  Solid.  (and my ass looks GOOD in them!!!)  No longer in double digit pant sizes.  Moving my way down the meter of measurements that are quite seriously both the delight and the dread of women everywhere.  An 8!!  I haven't seen that number etched on the inside of pants for  (doing some math...

doing some math.... 

processing.....)

YEARS!!!

Am I delighted?  Absolutely!!!  Was I jumping around my fitting room squealing with excitement like I always pictured I would, back when I was a size 16 romaticizing the ever illusive size 8??  Nope. Nada.  No, I wasn't.  That's a negative good buddy.

Part of the reason for this is - something happens when you actually work for what you earn, that reduces the external fantastical jubilee into more of a substantial burning fire inside that needs no external vent.  And I have earned these size 8 pants.  Believe me when I tell you that I have EARNED them! 

The other reason came to me as I thought about it today.  Those numbers on the scale had me a little bit 'down' today.  I KNOW!  Crazy right??  I mean - I'm living, breathing proof positive that I'm reaching my goals.  I'm achieving them one by one, little by little.  I'm alive and I'm empowered and I'm ablaze with possibilities.  And yet... that little number wiggled it's way into my head and twisted all of those ropes into a big knot. 

You know... I thought about how often we do this when we're on a mission to lose weight.  We place so much dramatic importance on the flimsiest, most unreliable, imperfect method of measuring our goals.  Our body weight can dramatically fluctuate in a matter of hours.  Don't believe me?  Weigh yourself first thing in the morning, then weigh yourself just before bed, or take a nice long bath and weigh yourself after that, and compare your numbers.  Our weight is NOT a static number.  It moves.  It changes.  Everything alters it; from what you ingest during the day, to the hormone levels in your body, to the temperature of climate you happen to be in.  Am I saying this is not important to pay attention to?  Heaven's no!  But you must incorporate logic and additional reliable methods to measure your goals.  Do not let one little number take away from the incredible journey you are on!!  It will do little more than to discourage you and rob you of the unbelievable victories you should celebrate every step of the way.

And on THAT note... I'm going to go celebrate my size 8 ass off!!  Smooches!!!

Can I Get Fries With That?

Learning more about myself every day.

There are many reasons that I became fat over the years.  I'm still discovering many of those underlying reasons, even though I no longer am that fat, overweight, unhappy woman I once was.  Getting in shape doesn't automatically fix everything in life.  Sure it's great to fit into a pair of jeans I haven't worn since high school, and it never gets old feeling my flat abdomen first thing upon waking, but it doesn't suddenly cover every aspect of my life in rainbows and sunshine.  I digress.

So, since you're dying to know, I discovered today that I, am a hungry individual.

Hungry Defined here as:  –adjective -gri·er, -gri·est.
1. having a desire, craving, or need for food; feeling hunger. 2. strongly or eagerly desirous. 3. lacking needful or desirable elements; not fertile; poor: hungry land. 4. aggressively ambitious or competitive, as from a need to overcome poverty or past defeats: a hungry investment firm looking for wealthy clients.

Well, this explains so much. I have a hard time turning down an inner eagerness; I'm hungry for knowledge, for acceptance, for love, for sex, for accomplishment, for money, for joy, for satisfaction, for happiness, for fulfillment... the list goes on forever and ever.  It's interesting to beging to look at the ways in which I behave when I'm hungry.  Doesn't matter what I may be hungry for.  It used to be cheeseburgers and french fries, once in awhile a bottle of wine.  But now... now I find I'm hungry for different things.

Now I find myself hungry for love. Hungry for passion. Hungry for personal achievement. Hungry for the rush that happens in my body when I've pushed it to the limits I am capable of. I hunger for attention, for affection, for being finally good enough. When these things go unheeded, I tend to find myself in a little temper tantrums... but the clincher is that there NEVER IS AN END to this hunger!!

LIGHTBULB!
This hunger is the unsettling inside. It is never satisfied, never at peace.  It always seeks more, wants more, needs more, clings to the hope of more...all the while squandering what it has. There is never appreciation for the present in that hunger. I'm committed to staring this hunger in the face and being unaffected by it.  It's time for me to grow up and really get present to the joy and perfection in ever moment for EXACTLY what it is, and exactly what it isn't.  I'm ready for my life diet.

What do you value?

It occurred me to early today that as human beings, we place levels of value on every aspect of our lives. For most, money is a big value grabber. We seek after it, we work hard for it, and we enjoy spending that hard earned dollar on things we want. There never seems to be quite enough of it. It’s a seemingly limited commodity. But I dare say that what we value even more, as human beings is our time and our energy. Think about it. What is it you spend your time doing? What do you put your attention on during your day? Where is your energy being expended?

Yesterday I was talking with a co-worker about the Dreambodies transformation system I’m currently enjoying. I explained to her the incredible value of this program, and about the cost of a deal they’re running for the summer. She actually said back to me ‘Well, I don’t want to pay for it. I can do that stuff on my own.’

I was taken back. I appreciated her frankness and what took me back was the realization that I had been, up until a couple months ago, living MY life that way too! And my word I am astonished at the change in my mindset at this juncture! How I would LOVE to implant what is in my heart to everyone who feels the same way; ‘I can do this on my own. I don’t want to pay for it.’ That, my friends, is an excuse that will suffocate and bury your dreams! Every. Last. One. of. Them. And let me tell you why.

As I was working out this morning, that conversation came back to me. I realized that we as human beings wish for a lot of things in life! We wish we could lose twenty pounds or have the tight abs on the amazing body gracing the cover of a magazine. We wish we could focus more at work and be recognized for going above and beyond. We wish we could get more done in our day, or at the very least we wish we didn’t feel so damn tired all the time. We wish for more wealth, and yet we squander the abundance that is all around us – our very LIFE ENERGY. We’re literally swimming in it. There is nothing of more value than that. I know because I’ve been awakening to my life energy and it is remarkable.

When I jumped in with both feet on this journey, something had occurred to me with regard to the value of money for me, and I hope you might consider this. You’re going to spend it anyway. Think about it. You make what you make. You spend it how you spend it. The way in which you spend it offers you insight into what you deem worthy of not only your financial gain, but more importantly and ultimately more valuable – your time and energy. Said another way, to my friend who commented that she didn’t want to pay for it… if you’re not willing to put your money towards something that you say you want… what makes you think that you would spend your time and energy on achieving it??

Your dreams are always within reach. We aren’t accustomed to being with that expression. We’re accustomed to literally wishing our lives away. I’m here to invite you to stop wishing and start really LIVING the life you were born to live. It doesn’t take money. It doesn’t take programs, or books, or shooting stars. It takes an honest evaluation of your greatest dreams, a map of your current reality, and it takes you investing your most valuable time and energy towards that end. You can achieve anything! The world is your oyster! I say, dive!

Steady, Effective Progress

So in the flurry of the past two months of training, and retraining my nutritional habits, I've failed to blog very often about these changes.  Course, I don't have many that read this blog, but that's okay.  That's going to change.

I must say that I'm extremely impressed with what the past two months have brought.  I've dropped 27 pounds, balanced my nutritional intake to the point where 'off plan' food is not even an issue any more, and have transformed the entire way with which I approach my life. 

Amazing what 9 weeks short weeks can unfurl.

My first hint of this shift of paradigm for me came when my trainer gave me a back workout not two weeks ago. While reviewing said workout laid out there before me, my eyes quickly fell to the first group of exercises - three sets of three pullups. Pullups. The kind of thing you do in boot camp, or see in movies about boot camp. Pullups. Requiring the ever illusive, upper body strength to lift one's own life to the top of a beam, or perhaps in a more unfortunate set of circumstances up off of the crumbling face of a mountain cliff.... but me? ME?  A pullup?  The immediate and actual thought that passed through my mind was not one of doubt, fret or drudgery - no... the immediate thought was "WOW! I'm going to be able to do PULLUPS in a few weeks!!"

This is a stark, drastic and distinct change of thought process than I would have had 9 weeks ago.  While reviewing workouts I was just beginning with, I was filled with doubt, fret and drudgery. 'I'm not going to be able to do this! I'm so weak! I'm pathetic! How can he be serious, I can't do this...'  BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

I'm present to the complete fact that we experience our lives, we CREATE our lives with the thoughts that we think, and the way in which we respond to those thoughts.  I fancy the idea that perhaps one day I will be free of the endlessly negative blather than my mind inflicts upon me.... but I know better than that. To be made aware of these thoughts is all we can do. Pay attention. Give yourself the honor of considering what you speak of to yourself.  Really listen.

I'm listening to another voice in me now. The one that is alive, vibrant, enthusiastic and electric. She tells me I can achieve anything.  She tells me that I am unbounded, unrestrained and free.  She tells me it is perfect and beautiful to be the perfect and beautiful me. This transformation is about everything on the inside and it automatically manifests on the outside!

Pictures to come.  Love you one and all!

Benediction

You are my benediction
And the opening of every door
The unuttered wish spurred by falling star
And the secret hidden deep in my garden
Where moss pillows your quiet grace
How I wish the pink forget-me-nots
Would bloom all year ‘round
And you, who reside in my garden,
Whose voice I hear in the pause between exhales
Who escapes my heart in the swirl of my breath…
You are my morning prayer
And my evening benediction

-Cami Krueger 6/6/10

Ellusive

Something larger than I dare to own


I fail yet to conceal it,

To declare it might be certain suicide

This is greater than me or you or any sermon could contain.

Never having known what lay beneath

The shutters and deadbolts and somber, cynical drapes

I hide beneath illusion; the bravery of being out of range.

Swiftly sunlight breaks, measures by measure

Beyond my control or the reach of even one such as you

Brighter than me or you or any sermon could contain.

Raging, white-hot blazing, among layers of

Dust and ruffles and empty, emaciated dreams

Illuminating buried riddles

Darker than me or you or any sermon could contain.

I am exposed, laid bare beneath this enormous power

Consuming the emptiness, the heartache, the resignation

I grip tightly to that which I’ve known

And yet…this is more powerful than me or you or any sermon could contain.

-Cami Krueger 6/1/10

The Great White Beast

Why do I get so upset about food? What is it about the texture and flavor that I feel I’m missing out on that turns me into a raving lunatic? I don’t understand the connection. I feel lost. I feel angry. It’s not fair that I can’t eat anything I want to eat.


Today is a down day. Yesterday, last night specifically was awful. I got so upset that I cried. Tears. Seriously? Tears? I was tired, my body exhausted from the days’ workout, and had eaten little. Going to the grocery store is not a good idea when one is hungry and tired.

I knew behind the upset though, that should I give in and just eat whatever seemed appealing at the time, that I would really regret it later. So I stuck to my program and had an egg white omelet with mushrooms, a touch of onions, and a couple tablespoons of salsa.

I weighed in this morning at a solid 154.8. That reflects NO loss since last week even though I’ve added three extra sessions of cardio this week, eaten extremely clean…. Wait a minute…. There WAS that cheat meal. I had a cheat meal! Is THIS what that cheat meal does? It robs me of loss on the scale, and creates an emotional monster for a few days afterward? I’m stunned right now. It was a piece of pizza, and a piece of garlic bread. I have not eaten anything REMOTELY like pizza and garlic bread for seven straight weeks now. Could THAT be what I’m being mentally bullied and emotionally pushed around by right now?

For years I’ve known that pizza is what many people refer to as a ‘trigger food’ for me. I can’t have just one slice. I can’t stop at just pizza. I crave it, and then that expands into craving other things that I know aren’t good for me. Do I have some kind of sensitivity here that I am only now uncovering? Are there foods that impact your mental and emotional state of being for days on end? I’m seriously baffled here.

For seven weeks I’ve had a mind of steel about my nutrition plan. I haven’t minded the sacrifices I’m making, I’ve been solid on my conviction, I’ve been positive I can do this and I have really stuck to it. It’s been challenging but rewarding the entire time, day after day after day. I’ve been excited with the progress, and proud of my daily victories. Three days ago I scheduled a piece of pizza and very literally my entire mindset came unraveled and I turned into a pile of goo…figuratively speaking.

Maybe pizza really is not worth what it does for me. Maybe I’m starting to see just how deeply it affects me. Maybe I should schedule other foods to indulge in for my cheat meals that aren’t going to throw an entire week out the window. Maybe I should just break up with pizza for good. That’s it, I’m off to the internet to do some research on this potentially hazardous food combination. I’m positive can't be alone here.

Oh yeah - and - to date, 7 weeks in, I've lost 20 pounds with Tony!  This is huge.  I'll do another post about it later. :)

New and Improving

Been far too long since I've written on my blog. I'd like to ressurrect this thing as of today. Interesting to note that it's Easter Sunday, and here I am throwing words around like ressurrection. Hmmm.

So in light of new adventures, new life, new experiences - I'm here to stay. This blog will become my forum for transformation as the coming weeks and months unfold. All of this seems sudden to you I'm sure, but it's been developing for some time.

A couple of weeks ago I declared to myself and to Creation (or God, or the Universe, you get the picture) that every day I would commit to doing something that frightens me. Something that I feel scared of - but would choose to act instead of sit out. I've sat out of life for far too long based on my fear of what have you. Trust me, my fear stops me dead in my tracks. For petty things, big things, everyday things. This fear of mine is a demon that I am ready to start facing.

So here goes. I'm entering a realm of self discovery that this blog originally intended to take. It just took me some time to realize that, and now I'm back to declare to the world my commitment and transformation.

Bring. it. on.